Why do some women think there has to be a choice between being a mum, having a career, being a wife or having a life? That unless they are being the best at something then there’s no point? Why is it so wrong to be average?
I have seen a lot of blog posts on parenting sites lately that wax on about the fact that when you have kids, your life and your marriage have to take a back seat. That you are so tired and have other priorities. But I think this is utter bollocks.
This idea that every parent out there is frozen in time for 18 years just crawling through each day until they reach a time when they have performed their maternal duties and can reclaim their life. It actually makes me sad for these people. Yes, being a mother is a privilege and one of the best parts of my life and I cannot imagine my life without my two tiny terrors. But if I did not have a life outside of that then I would feel short-changed in life – and it’s perfectly ok to feel like this.
To need more than your kids is ok. Same goes for those women working hard every week, it’s more than ok just to be working for the paycheck at the end of the month!
Let’s take it back to pre-kid you. You had the selfishness to do what suited you. Your life was your own. Once the kids come along your entire world revolves around someone else and for some women that is a hard adjustment. They are bombarded with images of these perfect mums who are loving their life and seem to just stop being the person behind the mum. But it’s not always healthy. If you put your life on hold for 18 years and invest every ounce of your being into your kids then you are going to get the biggest slap in the face when they bugger off to take on the world and you are left with a gaping gap where your life used to be.
I read a post this morning that many, many of my friends had shared – again! A “dear husband” piece. The writer emplored their other half to stick with them. Even though they couldn’t be there for them right now. That they should put up with neglect and a sexless marriage for the foreseeable future, because “I loved you first” and “we will reclaim our life one day”. Shoot me now. If this was my outlook then I’d rather not bother. How can people live like this? Why do people think this is the only option?
I wonder about these women and wether they would have been better just having a sperm donor? Children seem to be the only goal in their lives. And that is fine for a certain number of women. But so many are constantly unhappy. If I spoke to them I would most likely get the usual spiel, that they are overtired, that their husband does nothing around the house, that they have no energy. But of course they end with “Of course I wouldn’t have it any other way”. Let me let you into a secret …everyone feels like this somedays. SHAKE IT OFF. I’m not one for having sympathy for people who don’t help themselves. If you are tired then look at things you can do to sort it. (If you are in the first 5 years of motherhood then I’m sorry but that’s most likely your permenent state and you just have to deal with it!) If your husband isn’t pulling his weight, then have a rant – it won’t do any good but will make you feel better! If you have no energy then look at your diet and exercise. As I said, I have a bold outlook and a no patience attitude with people who don’t help themselves. And this doesn’t mean I have anything against people who have a moan, we all need a moan about our lives every now and then!! But if it is your go to attitude then maybe it’s not working for you.
In the world of work it is just the same. Give your job the best years of your life and work yourself to the bone 16 hours a day for them and they will still get rid of you if it suits the company finances. They don’t give a crap about your life they take what you are giving them and use you. Never believe you are much more than a number and don’t get too sucked up believing you NEED to get to the top of the career ladder. Do what suits you.
In friendship, remember that even the best of friends put themselves and their families before you – I don’t mean to be brutal, but it’s true. Don’t let yourself be used. I have had friendships where I have contantly been putting myself out there for them and get nothing in return. The best decision of my life was to stop. These days I have a much smaller circle of friends but the ones I do have bring something to my life.
Do you think it makes you a better mum to be devoting yourself to nothing other than your family? Do you think that unless you are being a sexual goddess in the bedroom every night then there’s no point in even trying? If you are not going in for that new promotion or applying for a college to progress yourself should you even bother working? Have a think about what actually makes you happy and what you need.
Sometime I wonder how some people get through each day. From many chats with friends I have come across a crazy mix or situations and feelings. But the over riding feeling is that you can’t have it all, which is completely true! No one out there is rocking every part of their lives. Something always has to give. But why do we feel like we have to reach the top in all aspects of life? Isn’t it ok to just be average? To not be aiming at the top of the career ladder, but be happy just to be in a job. To not need to be the Pinterest perfect mum but just to be doing the minimum to get by. To not be the best friend, remembering every occassion and turning up for every event, but just to be there for witty Whatsapp chats. To not be the best wife every day but to put in a decent effort to keep the love and the fun going? Let’s start appreciatimg average!
I don’t know when this need to be at the top started. When the competition of life took off. But somedays you just need to do you. Be the you that makes you most happy. Don’t try and fit into molds or meet expectation.