We all need to feel loved. It’s a basic human need. To be wanted.
But how do you know when you’re getting enough love? It’s easy to sometimes feel a bit lacking in affection. A lot like vitamins and nutrients, I think there’s a quota that the human body needs. And just like diets, everyones needs are different.
Men and women have different hormones, different emotional needs and responses. And society and nature have affected how the sexes have evolved.
Of course we all demonstrate our feelings in different ways based on how we are raised, our backgrounds and inbuilt personality traits. This all shapes how we show and feel affection.
Many things have to be taken into account. Are you a tactile or a verbal person? Do actions speak louder than words for you? And most importantly, is there a difference in how you and you partner feel about love? If you need to hear something but they aren’t big on expressing themselves then there can be major problems – but nothing that can’t be sorted by simply putting it out there.
I do tend to gender stereotype in this piece, so turn away if you are offended by the fact men and women can be different. I make no apology for generalising my thinking. However, I am aware that there are a lot of individual exceptions. My views are entirely my own.
From the minute we start to read and watch movies, we are immersed in romance as a fairytale concept. We are bombarded with the image of perfect loves and lives. The following quotes give great examples of how easy it is for women to become swept up in the ‘happy ending effect’.
From When Harry Met Sally
“I love that you get cold when its 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour an a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you’re looking at me like I’m nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night.”
From Princess Bride
“Hear this now: I will always come for you.”
“But how can you be sure?”
“This is true love – you think this happens every day?”
From P.S I love you
“It’s to tell you how much you move me, how you changed me. You made me a man, by loving me Holly.”
From City of Angels
“I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss of her mouth, one touch of her hand, than an eternity without it.”
From Meet Joe Black
“Love is passion, obsession, someone you can’t live without. I say, fall head over heels, find someone you love like crazy and who will love you the same back.”
So with these proclamations ringing in our ear, how are we to cope with everyday love?
Because that is what all great loves become. It cannot stay at the honeymoon pinnacle forever. I think of love and relationships like a rollercoaster (bear with me!)
Everyone would be bored rigid if it just puttered along with no big dips. But to get up those hills it needs a push, some work and then you get the thrill of the loop the loop! Of course too much energy and it can go off the track, too little and it grinds to a halt! So we need just enough effort to have a few little highs every now and then. And that’s where I think romance comes in. It can’t be everyday. But it does need to happen to keep things going. Love is like the fire and romance is like a log you throw on every now and then when things are burning out. But maybe the logs should be thrown on before the flames are dying! Anyway enough with my crazy metaphors! You catch my drift? We are all bad for getting a bit bogged down in the everyday stuggle and imagine nothing better than being swept off our feet. But most men will not be giving you declarations of their love very often … if ever!
When I asked a dozen women what romance meant to them, I got a dozen short replies. Cuddles, back rubs, a suprise call to say something nice (not to ask about the kids or wether you needed bread picked up), a glass of wine, half an hour of their other half watching the kids while they did their own thing, having dinner made. Only a few answers mentioned anything monetary like flowers or a gift.
Asking the men however, had suprising responses … after the initial rolling of the eyes, shrugging the shoulders and ‘I don’t knows.’ Nearly all basked in the love for their partner, they waxed lyrical about love. I must admit I swooned a little! But then why don’t they show it?! Because from speaking to a lot of women I know that they would be shocked at how their partners feel. The would keel over if they came out with this over the Sunday roast! But when I posed the question to the hubster he shrugged and said “but you don’t tell us any of that kind of stuff either, you just moan about us not hanging the washing up the right way.” And he’s right! (Thank god he never reads this or I would never hear the end of this!) There maybe needs to be greter communication and instead of us waiting to be swept of our feet, we should do a little romancing of our own. Are we guilty of wanting the fairytale without any of the hassle?
I think so. I have concluded that we have become a bit blind to real love, and our expectations have gotten higher. We have the big displays of love plastered in our heads from the movies of old as well as the latest offerings. And then there’s the rise of social media. So when Sarah tells the world her hubby whisked her away for a trip to the theatre, we all sigh and wonder why we are stuck doing another load of washing on a Friday night! We don’t see the flip side to any of these. What happens to the couples after the happily ever after? Is Sarahs hubby a gem or had she left the booking info for the show handily open on his laptop? We’ll never know. But who cares? Have a good look at your own situation and see how things really are.
Ok, so you may not have been wined and dined in a while but have there been other signs of affection? If you want more then it’s time to take action. Maybe if we open up a little more to our partners and tell them what we really think and want, it could end in us all feeling the love!
Here are some great insights into what some real men feel about love.
From Daddy Poppins
“Love is an indescribable feeling in your gut. It’s akin to parenthood, no matter how many books you read and research you do you don’t understand till it’s upon you. But love changes over time, you can’t be ‘honeymooners’ forever, a loving relationship has to have a base of; friendship and trust. Lust, often confused with love will only get you so far. That doesn’t mean you can just forget about romance though guys. You ladies love it, there’s nothing sexier than a man showing his sensitive side. Flowers aren’t just for saying sorry, guys. So whip up a home cooked meal, put the kids to bed and tell your partner exactly how much they mean to you.” Find out more about Daddy Poppins Here
“Love is when you know you can’t be without someone in your life whether it be your partner, family or friends. That means putting up with the little niggles and talking it through honestly, no matter how hard that might be. Romance is something that takes you by surprise sometimes and I’m someone that never thought I’d be in love. But from the moment I met my man I knew he was someone special! He is kind, full of surprises and puts a smile on my face, especially when I’m being miserable git!! I would never change him for the world”
From Paw Paw Ray
“True Love is a Battle! It is a battle of one person against the other, as each one struggles to support and encourage the other, in becoming the best person they can become.” For more about Paw Paw Ray
“Love is the precious quiet moments you snatch with your partner in between the chaos of life. The quiet walk in the sun, along a beach or through the forest. Love is the fine line between surrender, and determination to remain yourself, while working together as a team – sharing the same hopes and dreams. Knowing that you would do anything for your partner, while balancing all the myriad obstacles of life that continue try and drag you down. Work/separation/finance being the biggest stresses of modern living. Love isn’t red roses and candlelit dinners all the time. It’s the hug at the end of a long day, after your child has done nothing but moan constantly. It’s the back scratch or foot rub that you blissfully enjoy for 5 minutes. The cup of tea, dram or gin gratefully accepted while you unwind…
Perhaps a little heavy…
How about not blowing your lid when there’s nail pickings left on the couch, or not throttling your other half when they continue to leave house keys in the front door and leave the house. Or also not disowning them when they leave the car keys on top of the car overnight, in the drive, next to a busy road 😁 or conversely when sharing the elation of getting engaged, having your whole future to look forward to and wanting nothing more than making each other happy… “
“To me love is surviving the shit rough time together but being able to enjoy the good times together.”
“Love is all encompassing and all of time. There will be the great, good, bad and ugly. It comes as a package and just fits because you ‘get’ each other. Romance for me is a point in time, occasion or event, it comes and goes.”
And when I asked my husband what love means to him he looked longingly towards the garage …where he keeps his beloved bikes! 😂
So what does love mean to you? And do you agree with my assumptions? As always, I love to hear from you. Many thanks to all my contributors and my friends on speed dial for last minute questions and help!
And to my husband if you ever read this:
My love for you burns strong and bold,
I give you always my hand to hold.
Thunder bursts of excitement and pleasure,
Followed by memories to treasure.
From carefree days of years gone past,
My love for you will forever last.”